We are all at war with ourselves

Image by i heart him via Flickr

I can’t believe that the inspiration for this post comes entirely from Heroes! Am I getting nerdier? Either way, at least there is inspiration now, however geeky the source of it might be.

“We are all at war with ourselves… the trick is figuring out how to be on the winning side.” – Gabriel/Sylar, Heroes “Origins” Episode, November 17, 2008

This line that Sylar so sexily delivers to Elle (mmm Sylar…), somehow plucked this deep meaning out of me. Even in a non-heroic way, we are all in some sort of war against ourselves. In this battle, we keep hurting ourselves, over and over and over again. That’s why, us girls (you know I’m talking to you, my fellow pea in our little pod) keep chasing after men give them our attention and affection and 75% of our thoughts and precious brain power only to have them hurt us by giving back nothing but attitude and game playing.

In this idiotic war against ourselves, we throw away things that are good for us like friendships and people. This is why we make friends with crazy bitchy girls who get us into trouble every time we go out with them, and why we get drunk to the point where our bodies are hating right back at us. This is why we eat junk food and ice cream instead of going for jogs! And that’s why we procrastinate.

And how can you truly win this war without losing as well since both the fighting sides are 2 parts of yourself? Is that why we feel this stupid urge to “go find ourselves”, hurt ourselves, put our bodies, minds and hearts through torture for and by guys, for and by ourselves, yell at our mothers, stop talking to our dads, and break the hearts of those who love us most for those who might not love us at all. (I can’t believe I’ve made my mother cry… I’m sorry mum, and I will probably go to hell for it, and I type this with one eye slightly tearing, hehe)

But that’s the thing… how can you feel what happiness is without knowing sadness? And maybe I’ll just have to live in a steady stream of contentment, carrying a little sadness and longing in me in order to feed both sides of myself that is at war. Or have explosive happy days one day and ridiculously bad days some other. Or love and hate someone at the same time… which will most likely be myself most of the time. I think I can live with that.